Well, it's eleven o'clock Friday night...

I started to go to Brewster Street Icehouse tonight, but I couldn't find anywhere to park and I didn't hear any music playing. I'd hate to go to a bar by myself - especially since I don't even drink anymore... but I just want to try something, anything different - just to say I "did" something over the weekend. Lately my weekends consist of sleeping, avoiding (and finally sometimes doing) house chores, watching TV and movies back-to-back-to-back on the computer... and doing the sober program thing.

I don't know what my deal is - just friggin' bored with life I guess. They say working with other alcoholics is the only way to "get out of my head," but I don't know - I miss this other thing we used to have a lot... what was it called... what's the word..? Oh yeah... FUN.

Now, don't get me wrong - I was not having fun before I got sober - not for a number of years, save for a rare occurrence here and there - and I am not trying to get down on the program. But, I just don't want that to be all my life is anymore - "work and go to meetings, work and go to meetings".

I guess I'm trippin' because I'm about to turn thirty next month. I'm happy with my job, and my living situation is fine... but I miss having a "social life" - I believe I did have one of those once upon a time... pretty sure anyway. I don't want to keep on this way - I need something more out of life...

But, alas, that's my alcoholic way of thinking - I'm never satisfied with anything - I guess I still haven't fully grasped the concept that "I do not know what I need to make me happy."

Anyway, bitch bitch bitch, piss and moan - right?

The truth is, I am happy with my life, I am grateful for each day that I get to wake up in my own bed. For the fact that I have a roof over my head, my bills are paid, and that I have a job that I love. I have wonderful family and friends that care about me and that talk to me each day. I have a good running truck, and money in the bank.

And, I am especially grateful that I do not have to spend every waking hour pouring a bottle down my throat, lest I experience the horrible nervousness, shaking, headaches, sweats and panic that came when I ran out.

Well, I guess in hindsight, things are pretty good today. If I get to stay in my own apartment and do as I wish for the next fifty-two hours, then I am a lucky man indeed, and I guess I should put on my big-boy undies and enjoy it.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed my little pep talk to myself - I sure as hell feel better.

And now, music - a blast from the past:

Night ya'll.

- Pinkie Dean

The next time I wake up at 4AM, I'm just going to lay back down and go to sleep. It sounded like a bright idea at the time - "Oh, yeah? 4 o'clock? Let's go ahead and get up - get some coffee started, do some laundry... we'll get a head start on the day!"

Only now it's 5:45AM, and I'm ready to fall over on my FACE.

In fact, I think I'll go try that now - maybe I can salvage an hour...

Dang... Tuesday's here...

Metallica - Tuesday's Gone (Lynyrd Skynyrd cover)

Good morning, and good night.

-JD

Man, I didn't really do anything productive at all this weekend. Finally at 8PM Sunday night I got off my ass to do my "bare necessity" chores - dishes, laundry, throw trash and buy groceries.

I was going to go yesterday evening and get my Ma some stuff for Mother's Day, but it never happened... So I showed up and gave her a hug at about 8:30 tonight. It's just as well - my Ma knows we love her and that I'm right here for anything she needs. That's as good a gift as any, right?

Oh, no? Well, damn. I'll get her something later this week then.

Tomorrow is my homeboy Jeremy Bitter's 29th birthday... Enjoy it brother... the big three-zero looms on the horizon!

Jeremy Bitter

The most recent picture that I have of my friend - getting his fat on.

I've really got nothing to blog about... I've been kind of bummed all weekend... it's like, I got off at 5:30 on Friday, and it was all beautiful out, and I was like "Hell yeah - it's the freakin' weekend baby!" - and then it dawned on me - I don't do, nor do I really know of anything to do on the weekend anymore... it's kind of sad really... I need to find a new hobby.

I work with computers 50+ hours a week. And then when I get home - I work on computers...

My cousin Mike encouraged me to rediscover art and writing - both are hobbies that I have "set aside" in my adult life... I don't know, maybe I'll give it a shot. Maybe not...

On the bright side, it is very cheap to "hermitize" for a weekend and do little more than sleep, eat pizza and watch Breaking Bad episodes back to back to back (I'm almost done with Season 3). I guess in reality, it wasn't such a bad weekend after all - I got rest and time to "breathe" - I feel like I'm interacting with people every waking hour. I understand that as a recovering alcoholic, it is not healthy for me to be "stuck in my own head" for long - but damnit - sometimes I just need a break!

And so I guess I got one. And all I can do is bitch about it...

I guess I'm still a little off-centered as a person... I've changed the background of my site to three cogs... these symbolize the wheels in the crazy factory (my brain) which never stop turning.

Speaking of the site, I haven't really modified the code much since the last post - it's still a little buggy, but it works - I have scrolled all the way back to the first post. It's functional, so I will probably leave it as-is until I get a new, better idea.

I've got nothing else new to talk about. Same old shit really. I can't even think of a good song to end with...

Well, I'll check in later. Enjoy your work week.

-Jeremy